The Silence of Affection in African Homes

By Abimbola Ola
Growing up in an African home came with discipline, structure, and deeply rooted cultural values. Yet, one thing that was often missing in the average African household was open affection. Watching a romantic movie or a love scene with your parents was almost a crime. The moment two characters leaned in for a kiss, you would quickly switch the channel or pretend to be uninterested. Everyone in the room understood the silent message — affection was private, even forbidden to be acknowledged.
But this brings us to a striking question: why is showing affection not paramount in most African families?
In many African cultures, love is not shown through words or gestures but through responsibility and sacrifice. A mother waking up at 4 a.m. to prepare food for her children, or a father taking extra jobs to pay school fees — these are considered acts of love. The African parent rarely says “I love you” or gives random hugs, but they show it through dedication and provision. Love is lived, not spoken.
Yet, beneath that strength lies a gap. Many children grow up emotionally distant from their parents. They know they are loved, but they never feel it. Some struggle to express affection as adults, finding it difficult to say “I love you” to their partners or even to their own children. They were taught that love should be quiet, controlled, and hidden behind responsibilities.
It is also common to see couples who have been married for decades, yet no one has ever seen them hug or hold hands. We see our mothers get pregnant and have children, but never witness any public affection between them and our fathers. Love happens behind closed doors — private, unspoken, and modest. To many, affection is seen as weakness or even disrespectful in front of children.
However, times are changing. The new generation is beginning to understand that affection does not erode respect — it enhances it. A hug does not make a parent less authoritative; it makes them more approachable. Saying “I love you” does not spoil a child; it reassures them. The world has moved forward, and emotional intelligence has become as important as cultural discipline.
It is time to break the silence around affection in African homes. Our culture is beautiful and rich, but we can enrich it further by embracing expressions of love. Let children grow up seeing their parents smile at each other, hearing words of affirmation, and feeling the warmth of a hug.
Because affection is not a foreign act — it is a human one. Love is not only meant to be known; it is meant to be shown. And perhaps when we begin to express it more openly, the next generation will no longer feel the need to switch channels when love appears on the screen.